Misery Poker Variant

www.sillyjokes.co.uk

One of my most annoying traits, other than constantly running late, is that I am super good at Misery Poker. Just to get the rules straight, Misery Poker involves one-downmanship.  So for instance, your friend's 'hand' consists of complaints such as, 


"I've got 5 loads of laundry, a dentist appointment, a playdate at my house this afternoon, and my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner."  


To win, you must play something along the lines of  


"Yeah, I totally know how you feel. Last night one of the twins was puking all over their room, and managed to get it all over their dresser drawer.  But I don't know when I'm going to get to that, because my older son decided to release his ball-bearing collection onto the kitchen floor, and the dog has some sort of abscess on his back that keeps oozing stuff all over.  On top of that, the realtor's bringing a possible buyer over for a second look in about 1 1/2 hours."  


I'm not saying I've ever played that hand, since we don't have a dog, and our house isn't for sale, but you get the idea.  I generally get dealt pretty good hands, which is weird considering generally we're pretty happy people. (This is all counter-intuitive logic.  Tell me when you're head stops spinning.)  

People who try to one-down you are more annoying than those who try to one-up you, because it robs you of your self-pity.  They make you realize that things could be a lot worse. And, everyone has the right to a little self-pity now and again. So as I get older and wiser, I try to keep my poker face on and not share my winning hands.  Let other people have a chance to win; it's not all about me.  

Only one child is sitting in his chair, mainly because he is
harnessed in, and hasn't figured out how to get out of either
his chair or his clothes yet. 

Instead, I've been using my Misery Poker talent by focusing on coming up with good, memorable reasons why my kids should and should not do certain things or behave in certain ways. Take, for instance, the seemingly impossibly act of sitting still in the chair and keeping all SIX feet on the ground.  What's the worse that could happen? I'll tell you what's the worse thing that could happen.  You could tip back in that chair, and fall and crack open your skull on the tile.  Your brains would spatter all over the floor, and let me tell you something, you will be sucking your pizza through a straw, young man, so let's see you get all SIX feet on the floor, and eat your dinner!

www.brainaneurysm.com

I've come up with similar "worst case scenarios" in an effort to get my kids to behave.  Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.  Sometimes it works a little too well, and I'll have a kid padding into my room late at night and asking in a small voice, "Mommy.... What's an aneurysm?"  It's a double edged sword, you see.  But here's the pay-off.  In another decade or less, I'll be back on top of my Misery Poker game with comments such as, "Yeah, well my husband and I are living on organic dogfood and weeds that we gather in the park because all of our paychecks go to the child therapist who is treating all of our kids for the damage that I did to their fragile psyches while trying to get them to sit still at the dinner table."  I'll totally win with that one.