Detective Brain

Sometimes when you're missing something,
it's best to hire a professional.

When we have kids, a significant portion of the brain becomes devoted to keeping track of other people's personal items, as well as details about their elimination patterns. At the risk of revealing too much about myself, I hesitate to proffer an exact percentage of brain power utilized for this purpose. Moreover, what I find most concerning is that some information is likely trickling out of my brain in order to make room for things like my kids' names, when their library books are due, and whether or not we need more eggs.  I'm talking about important information that's seeping out, like when I last oiled my paper shredder- it's probably been a year. And whether or not I made their appointments at the pediatrician- I was only 3 months late for the twins' 18 month well-child check this year. (They looked really good when it came to evaluating their milestones- I'm sure that extra 3 months helped.)

I understand and accept that it is somehow my job to keep track of everything that comes through our house, but frankly, I sometimes have trouble keeping track of every PERSON that is in the house. Not too long ago, I forgot that Julia had followed me into the basement.  I finished putting a bunch of boxes away, and turned out all the lights. Sometime later, I realized she was missing, and remembered that she might be downstairs. She was happily playing on the computer. She may have been blogging about being a twin.  I wouldn't put it past her.  Allison probably taught her how to Google. 

I swear I just saw Allison's pink bracelet somewhere.

Although, when children are pestering you with questions every 5 minutes when you are trying to do important things like check Facebook or type up a blog post before you forget the details, they're pretty easy to track.

Mommy!  Do you know where my belt is?

No, I don't know where you put your belt.  The last time I saw it, it was wrapped around the stuffed dog like a collar with a string tied to it for a leash.

Mommy!  Do you know where my black shoes shoes are?
No, I don't know where your black shoes are.  Is it possible that they are in the laundry room with ALL THE OTHER SHOES?  Is it possible that if, when you came in the house, you had taken them off and put them in the laundry room with all the other shoes, that you would then be able to pinpoint their exact location?

Mommy!  Do you have my water bottle?
No, I don't have your water bottle.  I keep my water bottle separate, because I don't like unidentifiable chunks of chewed food floating around in my bottle.  Also, I don't want to drink water that someone has dunked their pudgy grubby hand in.

Once we left Bear at a hotel = DISASTER.

Mommy!  Do you know where Bear is?
No, I don't know where Bear is.  If having Bear is important to you for sleeping at night, then I suggest, as I have suggested in the past, that you leave him in your bed. *Bear is the most disgusting, unsanitary creature in the entire world. He is so thin now that I am considering giving him some of my extra fat cells.  And I have plenty to spare.

Mommy!  Do you know where I left my bookmark?
No, I don't know where you left your bookmark. Can you just use a piece of scrap paper?  Can you just use one of the ten thousand little precious art projects and notes that are covering the fridge and countertops? 

Mommy and Daddy are also guilty.  Have you seen my wallet? My purse? My phone?

iSpy an iPhone.  Can you spy the iPhone?

This is where I keep my Sharpies.

My personal record for losing my phone is 5 times in a day. One time I found it with the ringer turned off and under the couch cushion. It doesn't help that certain children find Mommy's stuff to be far more interesting than their own plentiful toys. This includes but is not limited to purse contents, nail clippers, phone, keys, iPod and camera stuff, and water bottles.

And no, sweetheart, just because I found my water bottle does not mean you can drink out of it. 

The problem is that sometimes kids can be camouflaged.