Five Simple Rules

I try to live my life by certain rules. Eat veggies at every meal. Exercise daily. Be nice to people. I have more complicated rules that I live by as well, like which articles of clothing can never be dried, or where certain items can and can't go in the dishwasher, and what pens I prefer to use in certain situations. I don't always follow all my rules- they're really more like 'goals.' Besides, I suspect that if I blindly adhered to all of my, er, goals, I might fall under some subclinical category that would require me to take some sort of mind-altering medication in order to function. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

At any rate, I do try to instill some sense of order in the household by making sure my children follow certain rules. We started out with really simple ones that my children know by heart, like 'Finish your green stuff and your milk at every meal' and 'Get all your chores/homework/piano practice done before watching a show or playing on the computer.' They are already familiar with the obvious, mundane ones like 'brush your teeth' and 'wash your hands.' While familiarity is not the same as mastery, the basic set of rules that all parents use has become more and more inadequate. I am finding that my rules are becoming weirder and more complex, and while they might be rules that every household has in place, I am actually having to articulate them. A glimpse into recent conversations might provide some insight...

Mommy! We're playing a new game! The kids are naked except a towels/baby blankets wrapped around their heads and underwear. They are howling joyfully and stomping around with unbridled enthusiasm (Umm, ok, where are your clothes?)
Mommy! The game is called 'Loincloths and Turbans.' You don't need clothes! Turbans is pronounced 'turBANS' with the emphasis on the second syllable. Michael often mispronounces words that he knows from reading but doesn't hear spoken frequently. I guess we don't talk about turbans that often. (Umm, ok, but do you guys think you could keep it down a little? The twins are trying to sleep.)
Yeah, but Mommy! Aren't you glad we're playing together nicely and getting along? Sighing. (Yes, I suppose I am.)

A week later, I find multiple large safety pins in a wadded up plush baby towel in the dirty clothes. The towel now has some holes in it, which probably will end up fine once it goes through the wash, but nevertheless, results in a new rule that I'm pretty sure is unique to our household:

Rule #1. NO LEAVING SAFETY PINS IN THE TOWELS AFTER YOU ARE DONE PLAYING 'LOINCLOTHS AND TURBANS.'

Kids! What do we write on? (Paper, Mommy.)
That's right, kids. We write on paper. Is it okay to write on walls? (No.)
Is it okay to write on clothes? (No.)
What about books? (Only if they're coloring books.)
That's right. What about ourselves? (Only if they're bath crayons.)
I suppose bath crayons are okay. But my point is that it's NOT okay to write on each others' butts with pen. (BUT MOMMY! We were giving each other TATTOOS!) It didn't help that Daddy asked them to drop trou (which never needs arm twisting) in order to photo document the naughtiness.

Rule #2. NO WRITING ON EACH OTHERS' BUTTS, EVEN IF IT'S TO GIVE EACH OTHER TATTOOS.

What are you guys doing? You're supposed to be getting your pajamas on! Pajamas is really an exaggeration. They just sleep in their T-shirts and underwear. And, for the visual, they are both naked again. No loincloths or turbans. Michael is using his handily located genitalia as an air guitar. Allison is not similarly accomodated with her own instrument. (Allie! You're touching my penis!)
Hey! Kids, we do not touch each others' private areas. (But Mommy! Michael's playing guitar with his penis and it looks really fun!)
I don't care. We never touch each other's private areas.

Rule #3. NO TOUCHING ANYONE ELSE'S PENIS OR V. NOT EVEN TO PLAY GUITAR.

I missed the original conversation for this next rule, but was able to catch up. Now, explain to me, why is it exactly that you want to freeze your own urine? (I just want to see what it will look like frozen.)
You're not going to try and drink it or anything? I am aware that he has been reading something about someone, Gandhi, I think, who drank his own urine for some reason. (No, that would be gross. I just want to see what it would look like frozen.)
And Daddy said this was okay? (Yup.)
Well, alright, just check with me on the container first. I don't want you using a sippy cup. (Why? We can always wash it.)
Just do me a favor, and check with me first. I subsequently brought him home a urine specimen container from my office.

Rule #4. NO FREEZING URINE IN A SIPPY CUP, OR ANYTHING ELSE WE ARE LIKELY TO USE FOR DRINKING.

Allison, we don't put our feet on the dinner table.
(Mommy! They're not on the table! They're on my head!) I have a feeling that this rule will probably be modified again at some point in the future, after one of the kids' annoying bursts of creativity.

Rule #5. BOTTOM IN YOUR CHAIR. NO FEET ON THE TABLE, OR ON YOUR HEAD.

Five simple rules that hopefully will save them from embarrassment or therapy later on. Maybe I'm too rigid and strict, but really, I feel like it's not asking for much.